There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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