I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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