I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
