If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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