We're like a lot better than the average bears
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
