I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She needs sedatives and a leash
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
