When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
