I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The Olympian is in my bed
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