I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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