Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
