Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
