Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
