I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
