I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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