That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
