If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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