noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
