I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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