dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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