i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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