everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
