I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
