Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
