Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
