I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
