I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
