I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
