I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
