Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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