I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
