On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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