Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
