hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
