So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
