i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
