he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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