Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
