Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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