My first STD was from a foam party
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
