So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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