When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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