she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Can you bring me the toilet please
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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