and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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