haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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