why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
