mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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