I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
