Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
