Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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