I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
